I had the distinct honor of writing about the amazing Elizabeth Cotten for No Depression’s Issue on “Foremothers.” To read more, please subscribe on their website.
EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, ) NO. 5:03-FU-20-16 PLAINTIFF, ) ) VS. ) BUTTOCKS, TEXAS ) 2016, ) DEFENDANT. ) DECEMBER 31, 2016 ----------------------------------------------------- EXCERPT FROM SENTENCING HEARING BEFORE THE HONORABLE SHELBY CUMMINGS (AROUND THE MOUNTAIN), UNITED STATES DISTRICT JUDGE ----------------------------------------------------- OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER: TRUMP SUX DICKENSON, 666 GIMMEABREAK AVENUE, BUTTOCKS, TEXAS 79401; (806) 734-7667. PROCEEDINGS RECORDED BY MECHANICAL STENOGRAPHY, TRANSCRIPT PRODUCED BY COMPUTER. * * * * * (HEARING CONTINUED AFTER A LUNCH RECESS) THE COURT: All right. 2016, if you would please come around here and stand at the lectern with your attorney. 2016, you have the right to address the court this afternoon prior to the imposition of sentence. You are not required to say anything, should that be your choice, but the law does afford you that right and opportunity. Is there anything which you wish to state to the court this afternoon? THE DEFENDANT: Yes, Your Honor. THE COURT: All right, sir. THE DEFENDANT: Your Honor, I humbly ask that you sentence me to life in prison and not the death sentence. I don't want to die. Your Honor, I'm deeply sorry this whole year has happened. I never imagined that my research on plague treatment would lead to a criminal procedure and trial. At no time did I intend to break hearts or kill beloved celebrities. Nor did I know that my duration would breed the election of Donald Trump, and so many other disgraces to my family's name, "Common Era." This investigation has been painful to me and my family. My reputation is destroyed. I lost my tenured job. I've heard the verdict of the jury, but I'm not here to discuss or argue that today. I promise 2016 won't happen again, won't you please be lenient? Thank you. THE COURT: All right, 2016. You were found guilty pursuant to a jury verdict for everything shitty that happened this year: The deaths of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Prince, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, Leonard Cohen, Carrie Fisher. As well as many other Counts, including the foremost offense, the election of Donald Trump. Having adjudged you guilty, I am now going to impose the following sentence:Court will stand adjourned. (END OF HEARING) * * * * * I certify that the foregoing is a fake transcript from the record of proceedings in the above-entitled matter. I further certify that the transcript fees and format do not comply with those prescribed by the Court and the Judicial Conference of the United States. ___________________________ DATE DECEMBER 31, 2016 Trump Sux Dickenson Official Fake Court Reporter
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! It’s been a tumultuous year for the world, but today I am beyond thankful for all the incredible writing opportunities I have been afforded in 2016, and for all of you who have supported me! It’s been my most successful year yet–I added several publications to my resume, I spoke with dozens of fascinating musicians and artists (like Frida Clements who did the graphic above), and I’ve even been mentioned by Seattle Magazine in an article about the Five Things For Seattleites to be Thankful For. I could not have gotten this far without each of you who’s taken the time to read, share, and inspire! I am over-the-moon in love with you all. Have a wonderful, mashed potato-filled day. ❤