New disease, more prevalent than ever

In this world, there is something more infectious than Ebola and AIDS put together, and most of us are completely oblivious of it. This mystery ailment runs rampant, and causes symptoms of “not caring” and an immense aversion to anything substantive. It is common for sufferers to care nothing about elections or race politics or psychology or international relations or education or sexism, but to still have misguided opinions on the topics. It is also common for them to express very backwards beliefs, be stunted in their ability to empathize with those from diverse backgrounds, and to possess an uncanny love for the Fox News Channel. This ever-evolving, multi-symptom disease is known as Ignorance.

“Ignorance’s onset can be sudden and surprising, or hereditary. Yet still, many consciously, intentionally do not seek prevention or treatment,” said Don Andonier, a doctor who’s seen many cases of this illness and studied it extensively.

He assures me that, despite it’s overwhelming prevalence, Ignorance is very treatable. “Sometimes, the cure is as simple as giving them a stimulating book. Other times, it’s trickier,” said Andonier. “For those cases we have to get creative.”

Andonier went on to describe how he’s sent many to the local university for treatment, and required them to sign up for at least a year’s worth of classes. He also says he requires them to read more than one news source, have discussions with people without going on the defensive, and signs them up for a year’s worth of counseling so they can explore why their gay nephew or their black sister-in-law is so threatening.

His diligent work has made a difference, but more and more, people are refusing treatment. In one of recent study, evidence showed that Ignorance sufferers, once considered pariahs, are now embraced, even worshipped in society.

As one ignorant man told us, “I love that I don’t have to give a f**k about anything, and that I can pass all of the world’s problems on to the future generations, or pretend they don’t exist all together. And people think I’m a “chill guy” for it. It’s helped me achieve what I’ve been striving for most of my life—to be a boring, passive, waste of space kind of guy who’s good with the ladies.”

“Before there were just so many sufferers, and we didn’t have anywhere to send them… they had to be cured,” says Andonier, “and then people began to find ignorance amusing, cool, even valuable in society…that solved that issue. People choose to live with it now, they like being ‘checked out.’”

He didn’t know what brought this change about, though he did have a few strongly worded suggestions that seemed necessary to omit from this news. His many would-be patients are happy about their newfound acceptance and freedom.

When left untreated, it isn’t uncommon for Ignorants to develop accompanying issues. These include an inability to be anything but a cog in the massive corporate wheel, a hatred for art (postmodernism specifically), and bibliophobia, a fear of libraries.

One survivor described her fear of education as “dehabilitating. I look at words longer than four letters and faint. The same happens if I use the correct form of “your” or read more than four lines of Shakespeare. I am terrified of being eloquent and well-educated.”

Like true survivors, this sufferer and many others like her find a silver lining in their very curable, extremely ridiculous, forced stupidity—a life of endless America’s Next Top Model reruns, PBRs and obliviousness. How can we do anything but applaud them for it?

-Alexa Peters

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